WARNING: SATIRE. Deal with it.

I don’t know about you guys, but spring semester is a stressful time. Besides school, work, applying for summer jobs, and allergies it is also cultural appropriation season. I am not talking about Chinese New Year’s or Cinco de Mayo, where we have a bunch of privileged white males playing with finger traps and eating guacamole, I am talking about St. Patrick’s day.

We have had such a double standard in society. If we as social justice warriors can take all the fun out of tequila and fireworks, we need to band together and end the practice of consuming copious amounts of green Miller Lite. My culture is being commercialized, my great-great-great grandmother didn’t flee an impoverished island to have her culture used for bringing communities together. My people’s hobbies of drunken revelry, fighting, and our cultural pride is not to be shared with the community at large. Are people suggesting that we are a melting-pot? What makes America great is my ability to admonish those who are not in our tradition for drawing our cobbler fairies with green jackets instead of the traditional red. Those inconsiderate buffoons.

Irish people were barred from many jobs when they first came to these shores and we eventually rose to claim the presidency. It didn’t go well, but we still got it. Despite what society may think of me I am not a person with a short stature and red hair. My last name is not O’Connor, Fitzsimmons, O’Brien, or Ryan. I do not like Guinness, I am an IPA type of guy. I am not a fireman or a police officer, I am not a Catholic….actually I am, we all are, but that is beside the point.

Stop stereotyping the proud Irish race. My people have been subjugated by nativist groups and our culture has been commercialized. My people have been celebrated for our contributions to the greater American society and are more than simply a lucky clover and a leprechaun. If you aren’t Irish, you have no right to celebrate St. Patrick’s day.