President Trump Lays Out Master Plan For American Revitalization In 106-Part Tweet



Nicholas Johnson

Warning: Satire

In a dramatic move from his general social media presence, President Trump’s 106 part tweet, a chain which began at around 3 AM and concluded at noon today, has astounded critics and supporters alike with its nuanced, yet assertive prescriptions for America’s ails.

The tweet began, “Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” The more well-read individuals amidst the President’s nearly 38 million followers immediately recognized this obscure Sylvia Plath quotation, a musing the late poet included in a draft letter to a close friend. This is the first-known allusion President Trump has made to his affinity for mid-20th-century American poetry.

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis also voiced support for the president’s online diatribe. In an interview with The Washington Post, he voiced support for the policy suggested in President Trump’s recent tweet. He explained, “Look, when Trump went off half-cocked on transgender military service, I was hesitant to enact sweeping military reforms on the basis of a poorly thought out social media post. However, his most recent message, wherein he presented the first clear image of Trumpian foreign policy, which aims to strike a balance between the political philosophies of John Mearsheimer and Kenneth Waltz, has certainly left me with egg on my face,” Immediately following his interview, Secretary Mattis began complete overhaul of the United States’s strategy in Afghanistan.

Some critics question the decision to pen anentire ten-tweet section of the series in Italian, while others simply wonder when President Trump learned the language. Perhaps more perplexing still was the rhyming section, though several commentators have praised the President’s perfect syllabic fluidity.

Dr. Andrew Proctor, a decorated scholar of linguistics at Dartmouth, praised the tweet for its grammatical precision. Dr. Proctor noticed an uncharacteristic lack of misspelling and/or misplaced punctuation in the President’s post. In an email to a colleague, the professor explained, “His [Trump’s] most recent tweet has made an unprecedented display of our Commander in Chief’s grasp of the English language. Grammatically, it is almost too perfect. Today, at least, I am honored to call Mr. Trump my president.”

Former Secretary of State and current Hermit in the Woods of New York Hillary Rodham Clinton commented on President’s Trump’s post, much to the surprise of those who recall her recent toxic campaign against President Trump. In her own tweet, released merely minutes after Trump concluded his manifesto, she wrote, “Huge.” Critics are calling this response the best moment of former Secretary Clinton’s political career.

Even foreign leaders made statements on President Trump’s tweet. German Chancellor Angela Merkel took a break from doing that creepy hand triangle thing for long enough to write an exposition on globalization. Inspired by President Trump’s message, Chancellor Merkel advocated for a German exodus from the European Union, as well as a dissolution of the United Nations as a whole. When asked for a follow-up, Merkel responded only with the slogan, “Make Germany Great Again,” which raised eyebrows in neighboring Austria.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, in lieu of commenting, began work on the border wall. The President declared that the wall would be, quote, “diez pies más alto” then-candidate Trump had suggested during his run for president. Additionally, the Mexican government has agreed to pay the full cost of the wall, even providing an extra $50 million for, “…esos robotos gigantes frescos del borde pacífico para los agentes de la patrulla fronteriza, o algo,” or, in English, “…those cool giant robots from Pacific Rim for the border patrol agents, or something.”

Just hours ago, President Trump released another tweet. It read, “Respect to the brave people of Florida. I just prefer hurricane survivors who DIDN’T evacuate. #sad” This more recent tweet has not received the same praise as the former.