An Honest Conversation about the Drug War



Nicholas Johnson

Let’s talk about drugs. Yeah, that’s right. This ain’t your grandpa’s center-right/libertarian college magazine. I know what you kids want to talk about. And what a time to have these conversations. The sticky icky (or ganja, weed, bud, loud, Mary Jane, kush, pot, and other monikers for marijuana I found on the online slang dictionary) is getting the governmental go ahead around this great nations, and not at all too soon. 57% of adults surveyed said that la planta verde del diablo was A-O.K, and the other 43% are probably just narcs. For millennials, that number is as high as 70%. Dayton isn’t quite down with the doobies, which is lame, but it’s (hopefully) only a matter of time before this great state gets down with the sticky icky.

But things are not all peaches n’ cream in the wonderful world of marijuana. Attorney General Jeff “Busting Down the Door and Interrupting Your Smoke” Sessions has promised to crack down on marijuana legalization efforts, threatening to use the federal government to prosecute medicinal marijuana providers. So much for states rights.

New Jersey governor and terrible person Chris Christie said during his Presidential campaign, “If I’m elected President I will go after marijuana smokers and the states that allow them to smoke. I’ll shut them down big time. I’m sick of these addicts, sick of these liberals with no self-control. Governor Christie, if a stone smoked weed at a rate comparable to your consumption of donuts, they would overdose. And it’s not even possible to overdose on marijuana. That’s how many donuts you eat. You eat all of the donuts. You eat so many donuts that I have been forced to keep drawing from this well of hack comedy. Before you lecture the American public on self-control, perhaps uninstall the conveyer belt of lard you had set up in the governor’s mansion. See, you made me call you fat again. I don’t even like making fun of people for being fat. That’s how stupid your comments were. Yes, I know that quote is from 2015, but I don’t care. Chris Christie is the worst.

Also, people are in jail for weed. You know, that thing most presidents did? I’m not really sure what else to say about that. It just bums me out. The drug war is bad. I know that’s become something of a platitude, but man, it really hurts my heart to think about folks rotting away in prison for a little midnight toking. Additionally, the prisoners incarcerated for non-violent drug offenses are disproportionately people of color. Again, I’m not sure what else to say. That’s terrible. I just wanted to make weed jokes. Maybe that’s part of the problem? Drug humor has become a big part of contemporary American culture. You’ve all seen Seth Rogen movies, and Snoop Dogg is in, like, everything now. Obama joked about smoking dope on Jimmy Fallon. But while these things are happening, people’s lives are being ruined every day. There a strange dual perception of marijuana in this country. While the jokes are certainly a step in the right direction, it’s possible they create an artificial sense of political progress in regards to drugs.

I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to make. Legalize weed, obviously. During one of the 2016 Libertarian Party presidential debates, fringe candidate and total nut-bar John McAfee was asked whether or not he supported the legalization of marijuana. His response? “Legalize everything.”

If you don’t know who John McAfee is, look him up. Dude’s crazy. If we all lived like John McAfee, America would be a burning husk in a little under a week.

But I think he’s right.

Our prisons are full, the cartels are insane, and it’s not helping drug abuse in the slightest. The formerly discussed sack of human garage Chris Christie is the chair of Trump’s Opioid and Drug Abuse Commission. I can’t imagine his hard stances will fix anything. Drug abuse is a complex issue. People need love and support, not prison.

I spent most of this op-ed talking about weed because weed’s easy. Harder conversations are coming down the barrel. I just think we should give freedom a chance. It couldn’t make things much worse.

Ugh. This stuff is hard. I need a drink.