New data at the University of Minnesota has shown a startling rise in chronic dehydration among college students. Graduate students at the University of Minnesota’s medical school have conducted further research into those reporting chronic dehydration and claim to have found the reason.

The study showed that of the 1589 students with chronic dehydration, 1578 were owners of Apple Airpods. This trend was initially thought to be merely a correlation and not a causation, but upon further research we have determined that that may not be the case. After talking to some individuals who frequently wear Airpods, I believe I may have found the cause of the chronic dehydration.

An interview with long-time Airpod user, Brad Johnson of the Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity has revealed shocking insight into the rise of dehydration on our campus. I recently spoke to him outside of his fraternity’s party on the University’s legendary “Frat Row” on University Avenue

“Bro, Airpods are really just a status symbol, man. More of a flex than anything else,” Brad said in response to our question of why he personally wears airpods.

Brad continued his praise of the wireless headphones by saying “Yeah, me and my Delta Iota Chi Kappa brothers decided that owning Airpods should be mandatory for people to get into our fraternity. Wearing them really just makes me feel superior to all the poor people. Like when my dad bought me my first set of Airpods I was hooked immediately. And on the light rail when the homeless people see that I am clearly the richest dude on the train they come begging for money as soon as I get on. But I have “Mo Bamba” playing so loud that the only response that I give is to spit on their shoes. Maybe if they sell my spit when my SoundCloud career takes off they can buy themselves a house or at the very least some Airpods.”

This interview has shown me that the dehydration is surprisingly not caused by drinking too little water but rather from spitting at the feet of poor people. The interview ended with Brad telling me about his dream of becoming a famous rapper on SoundCloud, a free music streaming service. He wanted me to tell all of my readers to find him on SoundCloud with his stage name “bj DICK”, and also to “check me out on YouTube in my music video for my new song ‘flex on the haters.’ I even wore Airpods so I could listen to the track playing while I rapped along out loud. And I didn’t have to worry about my dance moves jarring them loose because they don’t fall out.” So, if you are an individual of culture, or are looking for an up-and-coming rapper, feel free to check him out.

As I walked down University Avenue, I spotted dozens more people wearing Airpods and I stopped to ask them a few questions. A surprisingly high percentage- nearly 45 percent- of all individuals that I talked to were students at Carlson School of Management. I should have guessed that would be the case as they were primarily wearing their business formal attire for the plethora of job interviews that they clearly went to that day. Surveying them I found that many of them were dehydrated before Apple released Airpods, because they were constantly spitting in the direction of poor people who saw their suits and thought that they had some money to spare for people in need.

As one who truly cares about the safety of students on the U of M campus, I would implore people not to purchase Airpods, especially if you already are a business student at Carlson because spitting on poor people is not only rude but is also proven to be detrimental to your own health.