Does Roy Moore Still Have A Chance?

Nicholas Johnson

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Roy Moore, a candidate for Alabama’s Senator seat, which was vacated after former Senator Jeff Sessions was selected as Attorney General.  has come into the national spotlight after numerous allegations of his inappropriate relations with underage women surfaced in recent weeks. Among the allegations is a particularly heinous account of his sexual contact with a 14 year old girl.

A state favorite, Roy Moore is well-known for his brash, politically incorrect style. The news came as a shock to his supporters. Mary, a mother of four in rural Alabama, commented, “I knew that he [Moore] said gay people should be thrown in jail, and that 9/11 was God’s punishment for gay marriage… But who could’ve guessed he was such a bad guy?”

She continued, “Honestly, for all he talked about homosexuality, most of us just assumed he was in the closet.”

Fortunately for his supporters, Roy Moore is not yet out of the race. Many polls still put the Senator at an advantage over his Democratic opponent in the upcoming election

On the other hand, Moore’s status as a far-right figure in a red state may not be enough to secure him his seat in the upcoming election. A slew of Republican potentials, who will run for the seat as write-in candidates, have come forward in order to demonstrate their disdain for Roy Moore’s checkered past.

Osama bin Laden, founder of the terrorist group al-Qaeda and one of the chief architects of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, also announced his candidacy in the wake of Roy Moore’s allegations. Presumed dead following a Navy Seal raid of his Pakistani compound, bin Laden felt called to make a resurgence following Moore’s comments regarding September 11th. “Homosexuals did not cause 9/11,” Mr. bin Laden lamented, “I caused 9/11.”

Not to be outdone, Lucifer, an angel who fell from Heaven after challenging God’s wisdom, announced yesterday that he will also be running for the seat. I na video address delivered from his private residence in Hell, the Devil explained, “Thanks to Roy Moore, I’ll only be the second worst person in this race.

Oddly enough, former Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton is also running, as a Republican, against Moore. As she explained to the Minnesota Republic, “I need this. I need this. I need this. I need power. Love me. Oh, please love me. I need this.”

Analysts are skeptical as to Mrs. Clinton’s chances in the election.

On the Democratic side, Moore will be facing attorney Doug Jones. The Stanford educated lawyer has previously served as the United States Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama, during which time he prosecuted two Klu Klux Klan members who had participated in the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing, an attack which killed four African American girls. 

Alabama residents certainly have a difficult decision on their hands. 

In an interview with the Minnesota Republic, Billy, a 24 year old mechanic from Daviston, Alabama, seemed less enthused about the slate of Republican candidates. He explained, “Look, I’m as right-wing as they come. Voted for Trump, spoon with my gun, and I’d vote for a wall on the Canadian border if I could. You know, typical Republican stuff.” Here, Billy paused, before concluding, emotionally, “But can’t we just vote for the Democrat? I mean… Jesus Christ. Moore’s a bonfide f****n’ pe-do-phile. Where I’m from, folks like him get the ol’ sniparoo, if you know what I mean.”

Billy then demonstrated, using a surprisingly solid pantomime, exactly what he would do with Roy Moore’s genitalia.

The Minnesota Republic reached out to Roy Moore, in the hopes of obtaining a comment on the recent allegations. Unfortunately, Moore was unavailable for a response, as he was, according to his campaign spokesperson,  “At a Chuck-E-Cheese sponsored speed dating event.”