Local University Businesses Struggle to Find Appropriate Pronouns

David Blondin

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Minneapolis, the city of lakes is well known for its progressive politics from Lake Calhoun to Downtown. The heart of the liberal dystopia is centered on the University of Minnesota. With the victory of president-elect Donald Trump, local fortune 500 companies are safe from the overturning of citizen´s united, ensuring that their corporations are, in fact, people.

Many local small mom and pop type shops are starting to catch up with the times realizing the need to be progressive and are finally understanding that their shops are indeed people. Many store owners are trying to find the appropriate identities of their establishments.

Salesman Arnold Martinson of Erik´s Bike shop in dinky town exclaimed that although he was pretty sure the shop was male because of the name that he couldn´t be for sure.

“For the eight years I have worked here I have always had a masculine vibe coming from the store, and with a name like Erik’s I never gave it a second thought. With recent progressive attitudes though I will be more cautious when addressing the store, we will let it identify itself on its own time.”

The community really is starting to take shape with identity now. We have recently learned that the burger chain Five Guys identifies as Five Guys. All future customers and those who interact with it will need to be more mindful of plural pronouns when interacting with them. The Jury is out on their sexuality, though.

With this new culture of acceptance and inclusion has come a few hiccups. Popular Tex-Mex chain Qdoba feels disenfranchised by the political establishment. Qdoba claims that they are systematically discriminated against by popular Irish-American Pub Blarney’s. Day manager Chad Gillespie clearly indicated that the fences outside of Blarney’s are blatantly xenophobic. Chad claimed that this xenophobia by the White-Washed establishment reeked of fascism, as strongly as he reeked of refried beans.

“The bouncers ask for IDs and wear Orange Shirts. We all know ID laws disenfranchise minorities and underage college students.”

But the Blarney’s representative was quick to point out that, “There have only been four cases of ID fraud prosecuted by the Minnesota court system ever, so it clearly isn’t a problem.”

After asking Chad about similar policing policies at thepopular bar and restarante Burrito Loco, he stated, “They are obviously full of internalized prejudices. It doesn’t matter that they have the same policy as Blarney’s. Blarney’s is the most popular bar of the two and we aren’t talking about Burrito Loco.”

Perhaps the most interesting member of the community is the ever famous Dinky Town Liquor Store. Rumors have been flying from employees of other stores that the liquor store was bigoted for not courting their store’s sexual advances.

Store cashier Shelly McPherson told The Minnesota Republic, “I don’t know what the heck you are talking about, can I see your I.D. no minors allowed!” After encountering this obvious ageist employee, Bob Anderson—general manager of 20 years—was happy to comply.

“Yeah, I don’t really know what this is about. My store is a thing, therefore it has the regular pronouns that would be used” (After taking a moment to shelter myself from his transphobic comments, I continued to record).

“Yeah, some really weird people have been coming in and talking to the Coors Light display. They are telling it that this was an all-inclusive environment. The mountains were blue so we know the product is happy.”

Despite Bob’s early problematic remarks, I digressed on my rash judgment of him. He clearly cares about his business but just needs to be educated by the university community in order to address the emotional needs of his product so that they can better satisfy our emotional needs.

We truly are making diversity and progress on this campus in the commercial community and—with enough University intervention—we can finally have everyone on campus on the same page.