America’s Christmas List

Michael Geiger

The Christmas season is a time for thoughtful reflection, self-improvement, and putting together a list of items that you desperately want in hopes that you’ll find them under the tree come Christmas ‘morn. 

So, to stay in line with the ethos of Christmas, I put together a short list of wishes that all Americans should hope come true this holiday season.

  1. Revoke Wisconsin’s Statehood

The Ax is back in Minneapolis, so we can quit the whole charade about needing Wisconsin. Ask a Wisconsinite to justify the existence of their state, and their response will be something along the lines of, “But… dairy!”  

Your parents and teachers lied to you. According to PETA, milk robs our bones of calcium. Not only that, but it also has been linked to an increase in developing prostate cancer.

  1. Reduction of the obesity and diabetes rates

The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development reports that 75% of Americans will be overweight or obese by 2020. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 100 million people have diabetes or prediabetes. 

The CDC also noted that more than 90% of adults diagnosed with diabetes are overweight, and more than 40% are physically inactive. 

It seems like every story in the news is seen through a political lens these days. This is dangerous because it promotes the idea that all of our problems can be solved at the voter booth. 

This epidemic won’t get fixed through legislation. Michelle Obama’s school lunch program failed miserably and the New York State Court of Appeals swatted Michael Bloomberg’s attempt to limit the size of sugary drinks Mutombo-style. 

America has grown fat and lazy. Liberals and conservatives will go 15 rounds over peripheral issues like bathroom legislation, yet they ignore far more pressing issues like this national health crisis. 

So Santa, when you see those cookies sitting out by the fire on Christmas Eve, please eat them. Because if you don’t, then we sure as hell will.

  1. Ban Punting in Football

The punt is the least exciting play in football, so it needs to be gone. Can you imagine the glorious madness of teams trying to convert a 4th and 24 from their own 5-yard line? 

This move would be so successful that fans might start to forget that the NFL doesn’t really care about their players committing domestic violence.

  1. Reduction of the suicide rate

According to the AP, the 2017 suicide rate in America was the highest rate in at least 50 years. So much of the Christmas season revolves around giving and receiving gifts. 

There is nothing wrong with this, but for the best insight into the spirit of Christmas, do yourself a favor and watch It’s a Wonderful Life

At the end of the movie, George Bailey is showered with money by the townspeople, who are eager to repay him for his lifetime of kindness.

But it isn’t the cash that brings George back from the brink of despair; it’s the realization that the people around him don’t take him for granted. He matters to them, and they let him know in spectacular fashion.

This sets up the emotional climax of the movie when George opens up his copy of Adventures of Tom Sawyer to find this inscription left by the angel Clarence, “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.”

Of course, real people don’t live their lives in a Frank Capra film. They have real problems that aren’t fixed in a tidy 2 hours. 

But what we can take from the movie is the importance of showing gratitude to the people who matter to you. Everyone is dealing with something, even if it doesn’t show on the outside.

This Christmas season, don’t forget to give the gift of friendship to those who need it the most. Have a very Merry Christmas everybody!