NFL Boldly Announces “Players Don’t Have Brains”

Quinn Daley

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 The NFL made a significant, yet not surprising annoucement on Tuesday, claiming they were going to halt their independent CTE-related research. 

The NFL began looking into Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, a gradually degenerative form of brain disease found in people with a history of repetitive brain trauma, after reviewing multiple reports former players being diagnosed with CTE postmortem and many living retired players reporting symptoms of the disease. NFL players can sustain multiple concussions throughout their careers or sustain a much larger number of asymptomatic subconcussive hits to the head on the field.

The NFL’s decision to look into CTE-related cases came from deep and truly genuine concerns from the league, and especially league commissioner Roger Goodell, about the health and well-being of their former employees and specifically the ones who weren’t stars. 

The NFL has made an incredible commitment to address the needs of former players who only played three years or less in the league. They have already ensured that these players don’t receive a pension or medical coverage after their time in the NFL comes to an end despite the multiple serious injuries they may have sustained that still require medical attention after retirement. Their strong commitment to research was another step in the right direction fo the league.

When asked about beginning research, Goodell stated, “We absolutely value nothing more than the well-being of our current and retired players. Well, except for money. Hey Craig! How much is this research going to cost again?”

The NFL’s recent decision to halt research comes after extensive research. The NFL released the following official statement to announce their decision, “After spending what we have deemed an appropriately minimal amount of our resources and time on research into CTE, the doctors and research personnel we hired to definitely not report findings in our interest have discovered that CTE doesn’t exist. In fact, they found no evidence that there is a brain inside of the human head of the average NFL player”.

Roger Goodell seems relatively pleased with these self-reported findings, remarking, “I really enjoy that we were able to generate scientific findings in our favor. Now we can begin moving towards addressing more significant league issues like mishandling domestic violence cases with our current players, defending our status as a nonprofit (The NFL is actually registered as a nonprofit), fining players for wearing cleats that are what we deem the wrong color, making sure Colin Kaepernick never agrees to another contract to play in the league despite him being at least a reliable option for teams at backup quarterback, and planning out another new contract for me, but this time including an even more expensive private jet in it”.

Hopefully now that CTE and the existence of the human brain have been confirmed to have indeed been hoaxes, the NFL can begin working towards these issues to avoid a potential holdout by members of the NFL Players Association in 2021 when the league’s current collective bargaining agreement ends. 

Roger Goodell believes the league will have the upper hand in negotiations in 2021 because of how graciously the NFL is currently handling matters concerning players. He especially believes that denying that the players have brains will be a significant factor in getting the Players Association to agree to terms that largely lean in favor of the NFL. Goodell remarked, “I’m very optimistic about the future of the league and confident in our ability to successfully extort our players to make millions of dollars that they will never see. I can’t wait for 2021.”