PETA Sides With Fruitarians, Kicks Vegans Out

Addison Scufsa

At the national PETA convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, activist and group leaders decided to remove all vegans from the organization. After growing more disgusted with the decisions of vegans to actually kill plants, the fruitarian majority within PETA voted to officially remove anyone who didn’t identify as a fruitarian themselves. 

In an official statement to reporters outside of the Perkins meeting room, the location of the convention, PETA President John “Fruit Loop” Sanders stated, “We simply could not allow the continuation of the merciless slaughter of Earth’s greenery within our own group. As of now, we have removed and banned all vegans from the organization.” 

Having been known to stand against animal cruelty in the past, PETA is attempting to stand against plant cruelty across the globe, a tough mission to be sure. 

“I went to my wife the other day and said ‘Susanne, we have got to stop killing these poor plants to sustain us,’” said PETA Vice President Nick “Vegan Hunter” Johnson. 

Fruitarians are not allowed to eat anything other than foods that can be harvested without killing or torturing the plant. Despite claims of it being “too extreme, restrictive, and stupid”, many Fruitarians have made it hours without any side effects, something both Johnson and Sanders says disproves the notion that we need to eat plants or animals to survive. 

Following the vote to remove all vegans from PETA, the remaining four members began working on punishments to carry out against those that continue to eat plants and animals despite PETA’s comprehensive slam poetry advocacy campaign. While some members demanded immediate execution carried out by a crack team of militant PETA sympathizers from the Philadelphia Whole Foods staff, the moderates won out and instead opted for life imprisonment. The motion to lawfully carry out this decision is currently pending local, state, and federal approval. 

Some former vegan members did speak to the press as they walked to their Priuses in the Perkins parking lot. Diane Lewis, a yoga instructor from Portland, Oregon, spoke about her feelings on the vote. 

“I actually voted with Fruitarians to kick us out as I realized that I was supporting a systematic slaughter of beautiful creatures with my eating habits. I don’t know what I will do to further punish myself and my children, but I am thankful that PETA is in better hands than it was before.” 

As for the future of PETA, John “Fruit Loop” Sanders is optimistic that they can make a difference.

“I fully believe we can take down the plant industrial complex that runs this nation via the FDA with strong wills and plenty of Vitamin B12 pills. Our allies in Scientology fully support us in our efforts and with our organization purged of murderers, we have never had the moral high ground more than we do today.”