Virgina Forced to Secede from Union

Nick Majerus

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After an absolutely dreadful month for Virginia Democrats, the commonwealth has been forced to secede from the union once again. 

Virginia Governor, Ralph Northam, threw his state into havoc last week when old yearbook photos were unearthed which showed Northam dressed in either blackface or a Klansman outfit.

Just days before the yearbook incident, Northam had commented live on the air that Virginia’s new abortion bill would presumably let babies die on the table after birth, but nobody cared about this. It was the blackface that really upset people. 

Northam denied that he appeared in the photos one day after apologizing for appearing in the photos. However, he cleared the situation right up when he said he wore blackface in order to impersonate Michael Jackson in the 80’s. 

That’s right. Northam’s defense was that, yes, he definitely did blackface once, just not that one time. 

Northam is currently looking for work as he was denied the role of President of the Confederacy, which is based in Richmond, due to his conduct in med school. 

Some have speculated that Northam will not resign as Governor of Virginia because his Lieutenant Governor is a Black Man These claims are uncorroborated and probably not factual. The real problem he probably has with his is that he has been credibly accused of sexual assault.

If both Northam and his Lieutenant Governor step down, the Attorney General would become Governor which is absolutely fine uness, of course, he confessed, without anyone asking, to also dressing in blackface in the 80’s, back when that still wasn’t okay anywhere but Virginia. 

Upon seeing the absolute state of Va Dems, President Trump called on Virginia to secede last Wednesday in a desperate attempt to give credibility to his past statements of “the south shall rise again.”

The actual consequences of the actions of Virginia’s Democrat politicians is yet to be seen, but the most incredible part is that most of this article isn’t satire, and everyone mentioned above is still in power.