UMN Student Decides to Blame National Rifle Association for Failing Grades


Sophomore student Allison Gutierrez has decided to officially blame her failing grades in calculous via Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr on the National Rifle Association (NRA). After walking into Mesa Pizza this Friday with her person friend (The Minnesota Republic could not confirm which gender Gutierrez’s partner chose to identify with this week), Gutierrez was inspired by the simple angry angsty statements posted in the restaurant on cheap white paper. After Gutierrez learned that the NRA is indeed on the wrong side of history, and that people should morally boycott Florida for spring break because: guns. No one knows if it was all the Catholic students who ate the Mac and Cheese Pizza this Friday before she could commit carbocide, if it was the aloof worker wearing a Kendrick Lamar tour sweatshirt who said he would smoke her up, or if it was just her omniscient moral compass that made her blame the NRA.

The NRA didn’t kill anyone, but that doesn’t matter. White men like the organization so it should be illegal. She is just so disgusted that an organization that is funded from members to defend clearly spelled out civil rights would even give what little money they must protect the rights of individuals. Gutierrez’s calc teacher is a white man in his fifties, so her first instinct was to just blame the white supremacist patriarchy. Gutierrez, who is a Women’s studies and Sociology student, already knows that subjective numbers were made by old, rich, white men to control the masses. Facts have discriminated against her throughout her life, her failing grades were only the latest tragedy. 

Gutierrez tested into pre-calc when she came into college as a young naive freshman. It wasn’t until she had her first GWSS professor with an unnatural hair color that she learned that the educational system was rigged against women and people of color. Since this was the truth, she decided to enter a class that she did not have the pre-requisites completed. It is obviously the fault of the educational system that she failed a class that involved algebraic manipulations of trigonometric functions, not her fault that she never took a trig class. 

Besides being advised against enrolling in the course by literally everyone except her favorite feminist dance therapy prof she also saw problematic issues on the math PhD’s rate my professor page. Comments such as “avoid at all costs”, “say good-bye to your social life”, and “Literally the worst prof in the math department” went unheeded by Gutierrez. Gutierrez is likely to enroll in differential equations next semester. Who/what she will blame has not been decided, or her gender for that matter.