Lauren Southern and Antifa Members Talk It Out Over A Drink

Make a toast with a beer.

Make a toast with a beer.

Nicholas Johnson

The dust is still settling after the protests over right-wing commentator Lauren Southern’s recent visit to campus. Hundreds gathered on the University’s West Bank to voice their anger. The event culminated in the utilization of chemical irritants against violent protesters. There was one arrest.

Fortunately, by virtue of a chance meeting at a local watering hole, Southern, and the masked protesters have begun the healing process.

After Southern escaped campus with armored guards by her side, the speaker decided to stop for a drink. Much to the surprise of everyone involved, she ran into several masked Antifa members. Clad in black, the anti-fascists had set down their signs, which displayed such messages as, “Die, Lauren Southern,” “Punch Nazis,” and on one particularly well-crafted sign, the words, “Follow Your Leader” next to a visage of Adolf Hitler in the process of killing himself. According to eyewitness reports, the protester’s eyes were still red from pepper spray, and the whole group looked, quote, “Plum tuckered out.”

The air was tense at first, but things lightened up as one of the protesters, who requested that the Minnesota Republic refer to them only as ‘Comrade,’ ordered a drink for the anxious Southern. She reciprocated the advance, sending a round of shots down to the masked group.

Thus began a night of partisan healing.

The conversation started out small, when one protester commented, “Nice weather, huh?” in reference to the cold temperature. This inspired a good-natured chuckle from Southern. The protester continued, “Thank god I remembered my jacket.”

The Minnesota Republic recognized the CFACT (Committee for a Constructive Tomorrow) logo on the jacket. It was presumed that the Antifa member had borrowed the garment from an unconscious college Republican.

Between sips of a stiff appletini, a flushed Southern complimented the protesters on their masks. “You look,” she purred, “Dangerous.”

The exposed parts of the protesters’ faces seemed to blush.

“Oh please,” one of them was heard bashfully retorting, “You’re the one that started a riot.”

Raucous laughter echoed throughout the bar as Southern moved to a chair amidst the group.

The conversation was not apolitical. As the night progressed, and more drinks were consumed, Southern and the Antifa protesters began to realize that their ideologies were not entirely different.

“You don’t like free trade?!?!” exclaimed the intoxicated Southern, “I don’t like free trade!”

Laughing, Southern pretended to stumble in her chair, righting herself by bracing a hand against a nearby protester’s thigh.

“Wow,” the protester responded, their eyes locked with Southern’s, “We’re not so different after all.”

Another protester, seated on the other side of Ms. Southern, took a moment to sweep an errant strand of hair from the speaker’s face.

Southern continued, “You sure didn’t seem to think so when I was giving my speech,” to which the masked protester replied, a bit embarrassed, “I guess we just had to talk it out.”

After another quick drink, the group left. An Uber brought Southern and the protesters to a nearby motel. A guest of the motel, whose room was situated adjacent to that of Southern and the protesters, reported hearing a steady stream of political debate, among “other noises.”

The hotel manager reported seeing Southern leaving the motel early the following morning, wearing an oversized Antifa t-shirt over her clothes from the previous evening. She was walked to her car, the manager explained, by a group of masked individuals. “Until next time?” the manager heard one of the protesters ask Southern. “Yeah,” Southern replied with a wink, “You’d better be ready to protest.”