College Sophomore Solves All The World’s Problems

Nicholas Johnson

In a stunning turn of events, all major societal ills have come to an end. The harbinger of this new utopian era of global prosperity- Derek Smith, a sophomore at the University of Minnesota.

Smith, an undergraduate student of political science, is no stranger to conflict. Just two years ago, when Wilson was still a senior in high school, he was not cast in the lead role of his theater club’s production of Guys and Dolls. The role was awarded to his closest friend, Jim. The Minnesota Republic reached out to Jim, who said this of his friend’s recent successes, “Honestly, I’m not surprised. Ever since he graciously took on his role as Nicely-Nicely Johnson, despite many believing him to be a shoe-in for Nathan Detroit, I knew it was only a matter of time before Derek saved the world. I mean, if successfully navigating teenage drama at a small Midwestern high school doesn’t prepare a person for a life as a groundbreaking political activist, I don’t know what does,” Jim has also been successful in the two years since graduating high school. During the time of his interview with the Minnesota Republic, he was en route to Sweden for the Nobel prize ceremony.

Heroic backstory aside, Derek Smith’s myriad accomplishments speak for themselves.

After skimming the first chapter of The General Theory of Employment by John Maynard Keynes and reading two of Paul Krugman’s New York Times op-eds, Smith single-handedly reinvigorated the global banking system. Financial workers the world over were shocked by the young man’s policy proposals. Samantha Jackson, the CFO of a major Wall Street Investment firm, told reporters, “I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first. But when Mr. Smith told me that money is just paper we assignan arbitrary value to, I nearly fell out of my chair. His economic insight is unparalleled.”

Additionally, Smith oversaw a complete rehaul of the world’s countless trade agreements. As he explained, “Imagine there’s… no countries.” He continued, “You know, it’s easy, if you try.” His revelations led to a free-trade model that has, in the few weeks since its enactment. Caused GDPs to rise the world over, by factors of up to 200%.

Derek Smith’s contributions to mankind do not stop there. A paper written his freshman year for Introduction to International Relations, entitled Introduction to International Relations Final Essay (Revised Draft)” fell into the hands of both Palestinian and Israeli leaders. Within hours of receiving the document, a joint session was held, and a peace treaty was negotiated. Eyewitness reports describe a tender scene, during which Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli President Reuven Rivlin shared a tender embrace, before breaking into a surprisingly well-prepared rendition of “Life Could Be a Dream,” by the Chords.

Smith also wrote a redraft of the United States constitution, imploring Congress, “Why do we still base our laws off of a document that was written when, like, the internet wasn’t around. It’s time for a change.” Convinced, representatives of both parties cheered as Smith tore up the ancient document and submitted his freshly typed edition to law.

Since the news law’s enactment, gun violence and hate speech have all virtually disappeared. Additionally, soldiers are now being happily quartered in private residencies during peacetime.

Perhaps Smith’s most important contribution to the global order was his solution for the crisis in North Korea. After taking a 3000 level history course on the first World War, Smith began to study military strategy. In a move which shocked high-ranking defense officials the world over, Smith suggested that world leaders simply talk to North Korean leader Kim-jong Un. After a 30 minutes Skype session with the dictator, the country abandoned its nuclear weapons program and began organizing for its first democratic election.

In his free time, Smith hopes to get involved with Campus politics. When asked if he planned to join either the College Republican or College Democrats, he replied, “Both sides are the same.”