The Case for Erecting a Solid Gold Goldy Gopher Statue

Quinn Daley

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Goldy Gopher is an icon among students at the University of Minnesota, and our beloved mascot finds a way into most of the university’s students hearts by the time they graduate. His buck teeth, striped and fuzzy tail, and his warm and friendly attitude have all contributed to him being one of the most revered symbols on campus. I think we all find a way in our first few years at this university to even accept Goldy into our hearts as each of our own personal Lord and Savior.

While Goldy Gopher is has been warmly accepted into the hearts of most members of the university’s student body, there is a way that we can show Goldy even more love and appreciation. There is definitely more we can be doing for our furry friend than simply cheering him on as he does a few pushups at football games or clap when he claps and points his finger at us a million times at sporting events.

Students at the university should express their love of their mascot to the university’s administration, and they can take money out of their own pockets to do it. The University of Minnesota should increase student fees to build a gold statue of Goldy Gopher or there could potentially be a multitude of dire consequences that continue to build on top of each other.

The university is already too busy wasting our tuition on building on top of their totally not excessive administrative payroll numbers, so erecting this statue will have to come out of our own pockets. If the students do not pay out of their own pockets to show that they love Goldy Gopher by building a gold statue of him, the university may start to feel that Goldy Gopher is not loved enough to be worth keeping around as a symbol on campus. They’ll appreciate our initiative in paying more money to the university, and they’ll take this sign to bless out-of-state students with another raise in tuition knowing that we’re willing to pay more to the university.

If the university isn’t paid more for Goldy and decides to get rid of him, students will be deprived of a source of warmth and happiness in their daily lives. University students make up a demographic that is infamously stressed out and struggling with finding happiness. Depriving the student body of a source of happiness when they already have a hard time finding happiness could push the student body over the edge. Students who no longer feel happy at the university may start transferring to different universities or dropping out. 

When the university loses these tuition-paying students, the university will be losing a valuable and substantial portion of their income. Once the university loses this income, they will have to start making budget cuts, and these budget cuts will cause the university to look like a less attractive school to prospective high school students. The university will then lose out on prospective students, and eventually, there may be nobody attending the university. This will cause the university to shut down because it will no longer have students to teach, and thus the university will lose its purpose. Therefore, if we don’t increase student fees to build a gold statue of Goldy Gopher, the university will shut down.

The students of the University of Minnesota have an incredibly important decision to make that will ultimately decide the fate of the university itself. If we do not increase student fees to build a gold statue of Goldy Gopher, the University of Minnesota will no longer exist. Students need to take time to look at the potential slew of consequences by not erecting a gold Goldy Gopher statue, and hopefully they give this exigent matter the attention it deserves.