The University of Minnesota announced this year that the school will be killing two birds with one stone this year by using the infestation of wild turkeys on campus to supply the dining halls with a Thanksgiving feast.

The turkeys on campus have been an issue for traffic and students alike, causing around 10 collisions a year during the fall semester. Students have complained to faculty members to get them removed, as they are afraid of the danger they pose to the late night scooter riders. Bus drivers have backed the students, claiming they add an average of five extra minutes to each route, interfering with their cigarette break times. 

The turkey trouble can be traced back to the early 1970s when 29 adult wild turkeys were trapped in Missouri and transplanted to Houston County in southeastern Minnesota. Since then, the DNR has made it illegal to raise and release turkeys. However, this hardly solves the problem, as the turkeys themselves have an instinctive arousal complex that commonly disregards this law. The DNR recognizes the peril that they pose to the campus:

“They are also not wary of humans and may become a nuisance by roosting on roofs, in trees near homes, and on decks, and they are known to occasionally damage painted automotive surfaces. Some turkeys, usually the yearling males (jakes), may also become aggressive and chase students, children and pets.” 

Because of the imminent danger and disruption, the University plans to put an end to the turkey takeover, and take back the land that rightfully belongs to the Dakota people. With an increase in the emphasis of sustainable practices and eating local, the dining halls on campus believe that this could earn them some good karma points with the undergraduates. 

The dining halls on campus are run by M Food Co., who are committed to “providing the best possible on-campus dining experience for our students, faculty, and staff.” M Food Co. is a branch of Chartwells, a company focused on providing premium dining experiences to campuses across the country. Chartwells is owned by Compass Group PLC, and CEO Dominic Blakemore had this to say about the new plan: 

“The University of Minnesota has done a fantastic job identifying new ways to implement ideas conforming to their climate action plan. They have a goal of being carbon neutral by 2050, but I think with these brilliant minds coming together on sustainable dining, I can see net zero happening well before then.” – Dominic Blakemore, CEO

However, the University has faced some backlash from animal rights activists who claim that the turkeys have not given their consent to be harvested for a feast. 

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Despite the screeching uproar, the University still plans to move forward with the support of the majority of the late-night scooter riders and part-time bus drivers.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and with the expected increase in traffic for the women’s volleyball matches against Illinois and Nebraska that weekend, the University will be acting soon to round up as many of the turkeys as possible. There will be vegetarian options for the feast as well, utilizing the dying grass on the front lawns of houses on Frat Row. Leftovers from the feast will be donated to the growing homeless population on campus in hopes that they will stop trying to grab the turkeys themselves. 

The University hopes that the lack of turkeys will return the campus to tranquility and distract the public from more serious issues like buildings are being vandalized with Palestinian flag graffiti.