Smash Trump’s Phone With A Hammer?

Nicholas Johnson

Oh, you didn’t?

Well, neither did I. I’ve never had a Twitter account. But I am an American citizen with access to the internet, so unfortunately, I’m bound to stumble upon the latest tactless thumb turd Trump tossed, throwing truth to the trash, toward Twitter. 

Ah, dang it. See Trump? This is what you made me do? Your tweets are so insane that I’ve been forced to make sense of the world via alliteration.

Just take, for example, our President’s most recent masterpiece. I’m sure you’ve seen it by now;

Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend- and maybe someday that will happen.

I remember where I was when I first heard about this tweet. I was at my friend’s house, playing Star Wars Battlefront II. Not the new, crappy one that has everyone on the internet ticked off- The classic, baby. The galaxy was about to be secure for the Empire- Rebel scum were falling to Vader’s blade in spades. Suddenly, my friend asked from across the room, “You guys see what Trump just tweeted?”

I had not. My friend, a dyed-in-the-wool progressive, immediately said, “Christ.” He hadn’t seen the tweet, but he knew. He just knew. Myself, clear-eyed optimist that I am, had to find out.

“What is it this time?” I groaned, fear in my eyes.

My friend read the Tweet. Nobody knew how to respond. There was some laughter, and some anger. 

I want to have a nuanced opinion on these things. I’ve found myself time and time again defending the President when he is unfairly maligned. But I think we’ve passed a point of no return. I’ll defend Republicans when they are thrown in with the President (though I’ll admit, even this is becoming more difficult). I just can’t defend the President anymore. I really, really can’t. 

President Trump’s mindless messages mustn’t make me modify my morals. 

Damn. I did it again.

Alliteration aside, I meant what I said just then. 

Here’s another tweet, penned by Mr. President during the beginning of the NFL’s National Anthem controversy. 

The issue of kneeling has nothing to do with race. It is about respect for our Country, Flag and National Anthem. NFL must respect this.

This tweet, for lack of a more nuanced stance, is a big ol’ poo on the Constitution. I’ll tell you why.

First, “NFL must respect this.” No, they don’t. The NFL is a private industry (Except for the taxpayer funded stadiums… but I digress.) They can do whatever the hell they want.

Also, as I’ve found myself saying in numerous conversations- If the President tells you to stand, the only American thing to do is to take a knee. That isn’t my thought, originally, but I really dig it. 

As a final note, I’m pretty sure the issue of kneeling had everything to do with race. That’s sort of what the protest was about. And President Trump may be the only person in the country less qualified to talk about racial politics than myself. 

My solution? Smash Trump’s phone with a hammer. Unfortunately, he’s pretty rich, so he’ll likely just buy another phone. So there’s nothing you can do… EXCEPT SMASH THE SECOND PHONE WITH A HAMMER!!!

I don’t know. Our President is a dumb child… Or just a child… I guess the third option is evil, but I don’t buy that either. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity, I believe the saying goes. President Trump isn’t evil guys, and he’s Tweets, hurtful and asinine though they may be, aren’t really going to change anything… I hope.

He just a dummy, folks.