Ocasio Cortez Couldn’t Get Stupider: Then She Opens Her Mouth

Tiana Meador

March 25, 2019

It's called the Green New Deal because I believe Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was high off the green when she wrote it. Let us admit that she is probably a little intoxicated whenever she opens her mouth. Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is a colossal idiot. Let's begin with her most recent bull. "Wells Fargo is financi...

AirPods Users Report Chronic Dehydration on U of MN Campus

Timothy Wilmot, Contributor

March 7, 2019

New data at the University of Minnesota has shown a startling rise in chronic dehydration among college students. Graduate students at the University of Minnesota’s medical school have conducted further research into those reporting chronic dehydration and claim to have found the reason. The study...

PETA Sides With Fruitarians, Kicks Vegans Out

Addison Scufsa

March 6, 2019

At the national PETA convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, activist and group leaders decided to remove all vegans from the organization. After growing more disgusted with the decisions of vegans to actually kill plants, the fruitarian majority within PETA voted to officially remove anyone who di...

Trump’s Push for Free Speech Hits Close to Home

March 6, 2019

On Saturday, March 2nd, President Donald Trump spoke at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. The resort was hosting the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) that weekend, and Trump was the headline speaker. While scheduled to begin his speec...

Students Demand University Remove Misogynist Art

Madison Dibble

December 4, 2017

As national trends demand, students at the University of Minnesota are out for blood—or maybe statue dust. Local governments removed monuments to   Robert E. Lee, The Ten Commandments, and many others after fearless millennials took to Twitter to ensure that all history is buried. At the Unive...

Lauren Southern and Antifa Members Talk It Out Over A Drink

Nicholas Johnson

November 6, 2017

The dust is still settling after the protests over right-wing commentator Lauren Southern’s recent visit to campus. Hundreds gathered on the University’s West Bank to voice their anger. The event culminated in the utilization of chemical irritants against violent protesters. There was one arrest. Fort...

College Sophomore Solves All The World’s Problems

Nicholas Johnson

November 6, 2017

In a stunning turn of events, all major societal ills have come to an end. The harbinger of this new utopian era of global prosperity- Derek Smith, a sophomore at the University of Minnesota. Smith, an undergraduate student of political science, is no stranger to conflict. Just two years ago, when Wils...

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Nicholas Johnson

October 16, 2017

In a recent address to the United Nations, President Trump presented in stark terms his opinions of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The President started his address by running through a slideshow, which was comprised entirely of photoshopped images of the North Korean dictator. Some of the slides de...

University Mandates Spelling Class for Bridge Vandals, College Republicans

Nathan Amundson

October 16, 2017

Recently, several student group panels on the Washington Avenue bridge were vandalized. Panels belonging to the College Republicans, Turning Point USA, Collegians for a Constructive Tomorrow, the Bipartisan Issues Group and the Minnesota Republic were all targeted by the vandalizing “artists.” As the Univer...

US invades Venezuela totally not just for their oil

Madison Dibble

September 25, 2017

Operation Venezuelan Freedom began this week as the United States answered the Venezuelan people's call for help. The failures of Hugo Chavez and Nicolas Maduro left Venezuela with shortages of food and supplies. The weight of an average Venezuelan dropped 15 pounds, and the United States was content wa...

Governor Dayton Changes Vibe on Marijuana Legalization

Nicholas Johnson

September 25, 2017

A longtime opponent of drug legalization, Governor Dayton emerged from an intense two-hour constituent sit down singing a different tune. He was, it must be noted, quite literally singing—those present recalled hearing a pitchy rendition of Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier. Onlookers noticed a strange haze ...

President Trump Lays Out Master Plan For American Revitalization In 106-Part Tweet

Nicholas Johnson

September 18, 2017

Warning: Satire In a dramatic move from his general social media presence, President Trump's 106 part tweet, a chain which began at around 3 AM and concluded at noon today, has astounded critics and supporters alike with its nuanced, yet assertive prescriptions for America's ails. The tweet began, "Perhap...