Late in the afternoon last Thursday, February 6th, a student crashed into the light post near Frank and Andrea’s Pizza, off of 4th and 13th. Fortunately nobody was injured. Bystanders say that they saw the light green Toyota Prius (which was actually dark green, but was covered in so much salt and dirt that the color was unrecognizable) driving slowly at first. Taking a right turn onto 4th street, the girl quickly accelerated, as she thought she saw a car coming from the left. Apparently, she admitted, it was not a car, but instead a box McNuggets that she had left on her dash from the previous week.

Upon arriving at the scene, police helped Abigail out of her car. It proved to be no easy task, despite the fact that only the license plate had been damaged, and the airbags didn’t even go off. In tears because of her raging anxiety and crippling self-dread, in combination with the fact that she is severely overweight, police took several hours of convincing Abigail to get out of her car, and that no, the patriarchy was not going to take away her rights. 

Bystanders looked on as Abigail stumbled out of her car along with several bags of assorted fast food items. As quickly as she could, she waddled to check if her bumper stickers on the back of the car had sustained any damage. Taking her sleeve, she wiped the dirt off of the plethora of bumper stickers, including some of the following that read:

• I’m Brat

• Biden Harris ‘24

• The Pride Flag (from 2 years ago, so it did not include the yellow circle and other stripes. Who even knows anymore?)

• Dangerously Liberal 

• Only Gay Cops Pull Me Over

The onlookers eventually moved on, but the traffic that ensued caused outrage from the students on the buses trying to get to class. In response, the Bus and Traffic Inclusivity Department claimed that in fact, the patriarchy should be held responsible for causing Abigail to crash into a light post. Governor Tim Walz even commented on X after the debacle, claiming that “if there were more tampons in the boys bathrooms, we would never have to deal with anxious bi-sexuals anymore! I mean c’mon!”

“What the h**l does that even mean? I thought this article was supposed to be about a car crash!” – Marko Mircovic, Student. 

You’re correct, Marko. Tim seems to have somehow caught a little bit of whatever Biden has. 

In the end, we at the Minnesota Republic are just glad that nobody was actually injured in the incident. Even so, Abigail has claimed that she is going to sue the city for “Putting the light post too close to the road,” and suing McDonalds for “Making McNugget boxes look too much like cars.” Her lawyer has declined to comment. 

We hope that everyone is able to drive safe on these icy roads here in downtown Minneapolis. Make sure to look both ways, and check for stray McNugget boxes. Also, to those of you with bumper stickers, I don’t think anyone is inclined to change their vote based on your bumper sticker. But, if someone was going to change their opinion, having a clean car and self respect may help with that!